Brita et al

I criticize advertising a lot.  It's hard not to- advertisers, in my opinion, play the lowest common denominator card far too often, and it's becoming an epidemic.  They seem to assume that if they create a commercial that is not understood by 5% of the people in this country, then they have lost those customers.  What they fail to recognize is that by pandering to the dumbest 5% of the people in this country, they insult the other 95%.  Although, in fairness, I'm sure that people much smarter than me are doing market research and tweaking these commercials to hit on all of the most important notes to resonate with the right demographics.  So the fact that the commercial is inane does not mean that the people who created it are stupid- in fact, it doesn't even mean that the people who created it don't find it as inane as I do.

Without further ado, some comments on current ad campaigns:


Just For Men

I could do an entire blog on these commercials alone, but that might make me suicidal.  They star Keith Hernandez and Clyde Frazier, and feature dialogue so contrived and lame that it would make reality TV viewers wince in pain.  Suffice it to say, it was tough to pick any single commercial, because they are all so unforgivably awful, but putting them all up here would just serve as a no-doubt undeserved punishment to everyone reading this, so I just posted one of them.  What's with the rhymes?  I'm sure there's a logical reason behind it, like how an annoying jingle on the radio annoys you, but it sticks with you (much to your chagrin) despite your best efforts, and again- I'm sure that very smart people make these commercials for a reason, so there must be data suggesting that this is a good advertising policy. 


But I'm left with one lingering thought, and no, it's not "I really want to buy some Just For Men!"  I am left wondering if Clyde Frazier and Keith Hernandez (and Emmitt Smith and Randy Johnson (in another commercial)) are in deep debt to the IRS and will do anything to pay the bills.  Sad...



Brita
Let me start with an apology.  I can't seem to find this commercial on YouTube, which seems incomprehensible because I have probably seen it 1000 times.  Maybe it isn't there because everyone finds it as annoying and weird as I do.  Anyway, here's what it is all about:


For some reason, an obviously suburban woman shows up in Alaska, interrupting an Eskimo man who is drinking clean Alaskan glacier water from a water source.  She yells "yoo hoo!" to get his attention and hands him a Brita water bottle.  Without a word, he begins chugging the water as she explains, in a language that he no doubt does not understand, "it's water from a drinking fountain at the mall".  The Eskimo finally finishes drinking, and shows a wide smile of approval, thereby demonstrating Brita's powers for filtering terrible-tasting water, even to the satisfaction of a water aficionado like this Eskimo.


I've always wanted the commercial to go a little longer, with the following addition:


The Eskimo, in an act of tribally-mandated reciprocation, unstraps a sealskin bladder from around his waist and hands it to the woman.  She sips cautiously at first, then begins guzzling voraciously.  She even stops halfway to dump a large portion of it over her face before drinking the rest.  She loves this stuff!  As she's finishing, the Eskimo man says something in his native language (note: not English), and at the bottom of the screen, a subtitle appears: "It's whale piss!".


Okay, so that won't sell more Brita water bottles, but it makes me laugh, so... there.



Heineken 

Time to finish on a high note.  I saw this commercial over the weekend, and I loved it.  It's expensive, I'm sure, and I still don't like the taste of Heineken, but hey- this is an entertaining commercial!  Best of all, I can't see anyone saying "I don't get it" at the end.  There's no message- it's just fun and cool, with clever Heineken product placement throughout.  You know what is being advertised, but you get some entertainment too.  Win-win!

DragonCon 2011

DragonCon 2011

Welcome!  (Konnichiwa…)

Is it just me, or does she look constipated?  But I guess, given what she’s wearing, she’d have to be.  I'm guessing that this situation is the result of too much cheese... or too little.  But rest assured, cheese is involved.

You may not know who this is, but he’s like a Keebler Elf for Oreos.

Superman is taller than I had assumed- wait- Superman is black??!!

Uhura with a Boba Fett mask on her head for some rea- wait- Uhura is white???!!!

Alien chats up a guy at the hotel bar- wait- Alien is gay???!!!

 

Yeah, easy there tough guy.  You’re like 5’-3”.  If a super-villain appears, check your utility belt and see if you have a rape whistle or something.

In about 6 weeks, some sex proprietor is going to be thrilled to pick this up for $34 on Ebay.

The doctors are demonstrating the proper technique for giving a prostate exam to a droid.

Guess which one I took to the champagne room!   
Trick question!  There is no champagne room.   

(and I didn’t hook up...)

This one… goes out to all the ladies in the house.

And for the men…

Yes, that cheerleader’s shirt says “SITH”.  Oh, to be a fly on the wall at their house while they’re sipping coffee, and doing the New York Times Sunday crossword together…

Elvira gets older, and they stay the same age.  Yes they do.  Actually, that doesn't make sense.  

BOOBS!!!

I don’t want to know what is going on in the hotel room that these two are undoubtedly sharing, but one of them casually said that it involves a telephone, hot sauce, and “the anus” (not sure if that is a person like “The Gimp” or a generalization referring, really, to anyone’s anus- the royal, or editorial "anus").

“Illusion is the first of all pleasures.”   -Oscar Wilde

Which one of these guys is supposed to be Dan Aykroyd?  He owes me a $10 refund for my ticket to Coneheads from 1993.

  Abracadabra!  And…  You are... spontaneously aroused!

A female member of the East German Stasi awaits her double decaf mocha latte.

I couldn’t figure out which superhero this woman was supposed to be so I asked.  Apparently, she is “The Concierge”.  She fights the forces of evil with Chinese restaurant lunch buffet recommendations.

Aaaahhhh, who gives a shit?

(check out the photo bomber on the right- I hope he herniated a disc)

I swear to God I just took the picture and moved on.  I didn’t say anything to them!

What a funny and amusing anecdote, woman in white! 

Redirecting the conversation slightly, uh, will you introduce me to your friends?

This one looked like she had covered her body in glue and then sprinted through an LL Bean  warehouse waving a pair of machetes.  And then dropped acid.

What’s keeping that costume on, you ask?   
The collective wills of everyone in the room, I answer.

  Hey- didn’t he die of auto-erotic asphyxiation like a year ago?

A Stormtrooper rides the elevator down to the Cabernet Ballroom, where he plans to attend a Death Star-mandated conference on sexual harassment.  That’s what you get for cupping your coworker’s buttocks, Stan- even when you’re part of the dark side, there are rules of behavior.

 

Fin

Random Thoughts

• I thoroughly enjoyed the two Real Madrid vs. Barcelona games yesterday.  Messi is amazing- it didn’t really show up much in the World Cup.  I know that many/most Americans have two complaints about soccer: the low scoring and the hiiiiigh kicking! diving.  The former was not much of an issue in the two Barca/Real games, but low scoring doesn’t really bother me- I love baseball and hockey after all.  But the diving does bother me, and I have been pleasantly surprised as an EPL (English Premier League) viewer by the lack of diving- or the relative lack of diving.  But man, Barca and Real would drop to the turf rolling around screaming in agony at the drop of a hat.  It was distracting and the replays would show that it was always either completely fabricated or horribly embellished.  I’m starting to notice that the southern European leagues (Italy, Spain) have much more tolerance for pu$$y behavior like this than the ones further north (England, Germany).  Spain and Italy play, arguably, a more fun to watch style of play, but the diving takes away a lot of the enjoyment.

• A coworker’s brother may have to give away his dog because of a problem with his girlfriend and her dog.  It’s a German Shepherd mix, and I am considering adding her to my house, mostly because I want McBain to have some company when I’m away at work and wherever.  Anyway, the dog’s name is “Whiskey”, which I’m not crazy about- I might have to think of a Simpsons name that sounds similar to “Whiskey” so that I can make a transition (Wiggum?)…  Anyway, it got me thinking about that: the fact that when you rescue a dog, you have no control over the name that the previous owner gave the dog, and that is actually a big issue.  Imagine you’re a single guy like me and you decide to rescue a dog, and you meet the dog, and she’s sweet tempered and smart and obedient and a good looking dog and then you ask the dog’s name and the rescue person replies “her name is Sassy Pants”.  No dog is worth the ridicule that you would receive for having a dog by that name.

• This is not a criticism of Obama, but rather our country’s expectations of our President.  In Russia, Putin is deep sea fishing, hunting bears and scaling tall buildings in a single bound.  In America, our President wears a bike helmet when riding a street bicycle on asphalt bike paths like he’s Cartman from the episode where he pretends to be mentally handicapped to compete in the Special Olympics.  How big of a bunch of pussies are we?:

 

Private Indecency Statutes

I wanted to come up with a hook.  Something unique that separates this blog from others (apart from the fact that I spilled coconut water on my keyboard this morning).  So I thought that I should type every blog post in the nude, but 1. that's probably not a unique "hook", and 2. [I can't think of a second thing]. 


So I've compromised, in a sense, and will be typing my blog posts while bottomless.